I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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