she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
