I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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