Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
