Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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