this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
