I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I have feelings that need drinking.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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