sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
