I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
