she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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