why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
