Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
