I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
