Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You are the jesus of drinking
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
