My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
