I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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