Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
