T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
