get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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