my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
