she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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