I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
you inspire me to be a worse person
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
