you mean i was at the winter classic?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We are all done wearing pants today
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
