That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My balls are so social today.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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