That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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