Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
