Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
