just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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