her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
