i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
