nut hugger
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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