If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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