Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
