My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
