the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
