In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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