the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
