i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
