I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
