I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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