i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
