I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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