Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
