I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
