I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
