Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
