I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
