i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
