i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
