Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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