I cannot find my penis.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
