Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
