my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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